Add Water and Stir :: Simple Thoughts

Living in Pause
By Thea Rashad

My view at the beach has somehow morphed into The Life You Want But Can’t
Have. A young couple with a toddler girl and an infant son have planted
themselves directly in front of my makeshift vacation resort.

You can tell they’re new at the parenting game because they came to the beach
armed with every possible piece of equipment, accessory and toy—even a huge
tent-like contraption for shade. They’re attractive and definitely not hurting for
money given the labels they’re sporting and the way they carry themselves.

Admittedly, I’m envious. Maybe even hurt. Today was the day I planned to stop
the constant rotation of all my self-pity-nobody’s-coming-to-this-miserable-
failure-of-a-love-life stream of consciousness and my encore performance as
Bitter Angry Black Woman in the Why’d I Get a Fibroid Uterus Show (you have
my permission to laugh here).

I guess seeing this young family is more than coincidence. Perhaps it’s just
another message from the Universe: Restricted, No Access. Then again, look at
them. Not one moment of peace. Not one moment that isn’t dedicated to
someone else’s needs—the spouse, the children.

How they must envy people like me. With an adventurous spirit, I pick up my
Boogie Board and frolic in the water like a ten-year old. My only care is that
some Sticky Fingers doesn’t lift my wallet or my iPod. I came here by my own
volition. I didn’t have to consult with anyone. There was no group decision. I’ll
leave when I’m good and ready—not because an overzealous child is having a
tantrum or my patience is shot to hell. I can even fall asleep, drooling and all.
No, I’m free to sit here as long as I want, listening, observing, breathing, living in
pause.

That’s somewhere between how it is and how it should be (or you wish it could
be). So many times I’ve come to this point in my life where I’m standing on the
precipice of faith and pessimism. I’ll tell myself that I’m ready to walk the line of
singleness with all its wretched loneliness (and don’t let some forty-something-
psuedo-single-feminist tell you otherwise). There are times that I’m gripped by
the fear of living a long, lonely life at Shady Pines just wasting away in the corner
with moldy dentures while some pedophile orderly molests me because I didn’t
have a husband, children or even siblings. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be that
young couple that’s bickering right now over how to disassemble that huge
shade tent they don’t even need!

Then again, I remember a pearl of wisdom a married friend once gave me when I
was bemoaning my singleness. She said, “Don’t mistake boredom, for it’s truly
peace.” Perhaps this is peace. It’s a unique calling to drift among the masses
alone and never know the genuine burden of responsibility. There’s an
undeniable freedom in that. It’s a gift: this kind of peace, this kind of quiet that’s
palpable even to your soul. I’m on a lifelong journey of exploration and self-
awareness few people get to accomplish.

Biologically, we are wired to be partnered. There’s nothing scientifically normal
about decades without companionship. There’s nothing normal about perfecting
the Art of the Self-Portrait with your digital camera in a bathroom mirror. But, it’
s comforting to know that if we’re living in pause long enough, we’ll instinctively
begin to play another tune. Like evolution, we’ll adapt and adjust our life’s
compass accordingly. You recognize the grace in your circumstances. That’s
what I’m choosing to do today.

Acceptance pours over me as that young couple loads up and leaves, looking
weary after what hardly seemed like a fun-filled day. It was an obligatory family
day at the beach for their Facebook photo album. Then again, at least they have
each other.

Still, I won’t be leaving until the high tide rolls in before sunset, until the dipping
of the sun creates a slight chill, and until my inner child has had all the fun she
can stand--alone. I look out at that infinite mass of blue and wholeheartedly
accept that this will be okay.

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In the Garden
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"That’s somewhere
between how it is
and how it should be
(or you wish it could
be). So many times
I’ve come to this
point in my life
where I’m standing
on the precipice of
faith and pessimism."